Forty Years

Well, a few more weeks and I will reach the big 4-0. Yep, despite all the drama, hell raising, partying, and reckless acts, it appears the big guy didn’t want to take me out early after all. I wouldn’t consider myself a “wise-old man”, but I have managed to retain a few important lessons learned. Here’s a few to wet your whistle:


1. Listen to your elders. (They’re called “wise old men” for a reason)

2. A Lego block can completely clog a bathroom drain. Even though it is square, it somehow magically seals the pipe once it is inserted.

3. When you misbehaved and your parents said “I can’t wait till you have children”, they meant it. Every single word. They take great joy in watching you struggle to keep control as your two year old grabs every knick knack off of your aunt’s shelves.

4. All men are NOT created equal. There are short ones, fat ones, fast ones, tall ones, etc. You get the point. As different as we are physically, we are even more different psychologically. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you.

5. Never loan money to anyone with the intention of getting it back. Most of the time you won’t get it back, so don’t loan people money that is set aside for bills.

6. If your two best friends are smarter, better looking, and skinnier than you; you are the fat, dumb klutz they keep around to make themselves feel better.

7. No matter how hard you fight it, eventually you will look, talk, and act like your parents.

8. No One is capable of truly keeping a secret. If it’s worth keeping, they will tell someone else who in turn, will tell another. Hold it inside until you explode. It will be less painful in the end.

9. You can talk until you are blue in the face, and still, no one will fess up to putting the empty milk container back in the ice box. If you gripe about it, you will just be labeled as a “grouch”.

10. Tasting new foods will not kill you. You will even begin to like foods that you once hated.

11. When an appliance goes out, it will cost $100.00 more to replace it than you have saved. This also applies to car repairs.

12. Flat tires never happen at a convenient time. It WILL be raining, hot, and far away from any help. If you have a spare, it too will be flat. (This rule applies to cell phones also. The battery will only go dead if you are not near a charger and are on an important call.)

13. Plumbers make more money per hour than the President of the United States. Don’t fight it, just pay the man.

14. The only “cure-all” for a hangover is NOT to drink in the first place. Period. Trust me, I’ve tried all of them.

15. You can wash mud off of your shoes in a few minutes, but dog shit stays on there for three days.

16. Women never forget and men seldom remember. This goes for anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc,,,

17. Your alarm clock will only fail on the day your boss shows up early.

18. When you are at a friend’s house, always check for toilet paper BEFORE you need it.

19. When someone asks “How’s your day going”, they really don’t want the truth. This also applies to “do these jeans make me look fat?”

20. If you are the first person to purchase “the next big thing”, then you are also the first person to realize you have been scammed.