Some of the things that have been going on in my mind lately…….
1. I ate Mexican food two days ago, then I ate Chinese food the following day…….When you visit a foreign country, do they have “American Food” restaurants???? What do they serve there??
2. I have a Rottweiler in my back yard that mainly eats and sleeps. He never gets any exercise to speak of. Why doesn’t he get side handles like me when I sit around and be lazy???
3. When a duck gets in the water, oil on his feathers keeps the water from “soaking” him. Why don’t they use that oil on all clothing??
4. If God made man in “His image”, then whose image did he use for Eve?
5. In the “electronic age” that we live in today, no matter where I am in the world, my checking account is instantly subtracted when I make a purchase with my debit card. Why then, does it take until the following day for my deposits to show up when I physically make them at the bank??
6. Why is it that everyone eats salad to lose weight? All cows eat is grass, so shouldn’t they be skinny?
7. Where do goldfish live in the wild??? (Besides the ponds at the Chinese restaurant.)
8. Why are there boxes labeled “Breakfast Cereals”? Are there “Dinner Cereals” or “Supper Cereals”?
9. Why is it illegal for me to write checks when I have no money in the bank, but the government stays “in the red” and no one is held accountable??
10. Why is it that we say sharks “attack”, but when man kills, its called hunting? You never hear someone say that they went “squirrel attacking”.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Forty Years
Well, a few more weeks and I will reach the big 4-0. Yep, despite all the drama, hell raising, partying, and reckless acts, it appears the big guy didn’t want to take me out early after all. I wouldn’t consider myself a “wise-old man”, but I have managed to retain a few important lessons learned. Here’s a few to wet your whistle:
1. Listen to your elders. (They’re called “wise old men” for a reason)
2. A Lego block can completely clog a bathroom drain. Even though it is square, it somehow magically seals the pipe once it is inserted.
3. When you misbehaved and your parents said “I can’t wait till you have children”, they meant it. Every single word. They take great joy in watching you struggle to keep control as your two year old grabs every knick knack off of your aunt’s shelves.
4. All men are NOT created equal. There are short ones, fat ones, fast ones, tall ones, etc. You get the point. As different as we are physically, we are even more different psychologically. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you.
5. Never loan money to anyone with the intention of getting it back. Most of the time you won’t get it back, so don’t loan people money that is set aside for bills.
6. If your two best friends are smarter, better looking, and skinnier than you; you are the fat, dumb klutz they keep around to make themselves feel better.
7. No matter how hard you fight it, eventually you will look, talk, and act like your parents.
8. No One is capable of truly keeping a secret. If it’s worth keeping, they will tell someone else who in turn, will tell another. Hold it inside until you explode. It will be less painful in the end.
9. You can talk until you are blue in the face, and still, no one will fess up to putting the empty milk container back in the ice box. If you gripe about it, you will just be labeled as a “grouch”.
10. Tasting new foods will not kill you. You will even begin to like foods that you once hated.
11. When an appliance goes out, it will cost $100.00 more to replace it than you have saved. This also applies to car repairs.
12. Flat tires never happen at a convenient time. It WILL be raining, hot, and far away from any help. If you have a spare, it too will be flat. (This rule applies to cell phones also. The battery will only go dead if you are not near a charger and are on an important call.)
13. Plumbers make more money per hour than the President of the United States. Don’t fight it, just pay the man.
14. The only “cure-all” for a hangover is NOT to drink in the first place. Period. Trust me, I’ve tried all of them.
15. You can wash mud off of your shoes in a few minutes, but dog shit stays on there for three days.
16. Women never forget and men seldom remember. This goes for anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc,,,
17. Your alarm clock will only fail on the day your boss shows up early.
18. When you are at a friend’s house, always check for toilet paper BEFORE you need it.
19. When someone asks “How’s your day going”, they really don’t want the truth. This also applies to “do these jeans make me look fat?”
20. If you are the first person to purchase “the next big thing”, then you are also the first person to realize you have been scammed.
1. Listen to your elders. (They’re called “wise old men” for a reason)
2. A Lego block can completely clog a bathroom drain. Even though it is square, it somehow magically seals the pipe once it is inserted.
3. When you misbehaved and your parents said “I can’t wait till you have children”, they meant it. Every single word. They take great joy in watching you struggle to keep control as your two year old grabs every knick knack off of your aunt’s shelves.
4. All men are NOT created equal. There are short ones, fat ones, fast ones, tall ones, etc. You get the point. As different as we are physically, we are even more different psychologically. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you.
5. Never loan money to anyone with the intention of getting it back. Most of the time you won’t get it back, so don’t loan people money that is set aside for bills.
6. If your two best friends are smarter, better looking, and skinnier than you; you are the fat, dumb klutz they keep around to make themselves feel better.
7. No matter how hard you fight it, eventually you will look, talk, and act like your parents.
8. No One is capable of truly keeping a secret. If it’s worth keeping, they will tell someone else who in turn, will tell another. Hold it inside until you explode. It will be less painful in the end.
9. You can talk until you are blue in the face, and still, no one will fess up to putting the empty milk container back in the ice box. If you gripe about it, you will just be labeled as a “grouch”.
10. Tasting new foods will not kill you. You will even begin to like foods that you once hated.
11. When an appliance goes out, it will cost $100.00 more to replace it than you have saved. This also applies to car repairs.
12. Flat tires never happen at a convenient time. It WILL be raining, hot, and far away from any help. If you have a spare, it too will be flat. (This rule applies to cell phones also. The battery will only go dead if you are not near a charger and are on an important call.)
13. Plumbers make more money per hour than the President of the United States. Don’t fight it, just pay the man.
14. The only “cure-all” for a hangover is NOT to drink in the first place. Period. Trust me, I’ve tried all of them.
15. You can wash mud off of your shoes in a few minutes, but dog shit stays on there for three days.
16. Women never forget and men seldom remember. This goes for anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc,,,
17. Your alarm clock will only fail on the day your boss shows up early.
18. When you are at a friend’s house, always check for toilet paper BEFORE you need it.
19. When someone asks “How’s your day going”, they really don’t want the truth. This also applies to “do these jeans make me look fat?”
20. If you are the first person to purchase “the next big thing”, then you are also the first person to realize you have been scammed.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Eye see it now.
During my latest hitch of nightshifts, an all too familiar scenario arose involving an employee and a pair of scissors. The employee was carelessly waiving around the scissors, compelling someone to shout “Be careful with those things or you will put someone’s eye out!” This statement got my wheels turning, as I have never agreed with, nor understood, the word usage.
Let’s take a moment to examine this saying, as it is commonly misspoken. “You could put someone’s eye out.” We’ve all heard it a million times as a youth, and probably spoke it even more as an adult. But, isn’t this really an oxymoronic saying? You don’t really “put” eyes out, you “pull” eyes out in much the same way that you do teeth or the way you “pull” a vehicle from a ditch. If you are jabbed in the eye with a pair of scissors, wouldn’t that “push” your eye in, not “out”?
All my life I have used sharp pointed objects to pierce with instead of “pull”. If you really think it through, it would be virtually impossible to pull someone’s eye out with a “poking” motion. I would be more implied to use the phrase of putting someone’s eye out if I saw them with a spoon. Now there is an object that could easily get an eye out, much in the same fashion that you would use an ice cream scoop. Soldiers have used spears and swords to impale people on the battlefield for centuries. These weapons were not meant to “pull” parts from a body, but instead to “push”, or penetrate the victim.
The whole idea of using the word “put” instead of “pull” is confusing to me. Why don’t you ever hear parents screaming at a child who is holding a spoon? A spoon would be a much more efficient device to remove someone’s eye, as a sharp, pointed object would require a bit of prying and such to remove the organ.
I propose that we change our saying to reflect the physics involve with the word “put” and “in”. It should go something like this; “Hey, (insert offender’s name here), be careful with that stick or you could “push” someone’s eye “in”! Or you could say; “Hey (once again the offender’s name here), slowdown with that spoon or you could scoop someone’s eye out!” Let’s say what we mean and mean what we say.
Let’s take a moment to examine this saying, as it is commonly misspoken. “You could put someone’s eye out.” We’ve all heard it a million times as a youth, and probably spoke it even more as an adult. But, isn’t this really an oxymoronic saying? You don’t really “put” eyes out, you “pull” eyes out in much the same way that you do teeth or the way you “pull” a vehicle from a ditch. If you are jabbed in the eye with a pair of scissors, wouldn’t that “push” your eye in, not “out”?
All my life I have used sharp pointed objects to pierce with instead of “pull”. If you really think it through, it would be virtually impossible to pull someone’s eye out with a “poking” motion. I would be more implied to use the phrase of putting someone’s eye out if I saw them with a spoon. Now there is an object that could easily get an eye out, much in the same fashion that you would use an ice cream scoop. Soldiers have used spears and swords to impale people on the battlefield for centuries. These weapons were not meant to “pull” parts from a body, but instead to “push”, or penetrate the victim.
The whole idea of using the word “put” instead of “pull” is confusing to me. Why don’t you ever hear parents screaming at a child who is holding a spoon? A spoon would be a much more efficient device to remove someone’s eye, as a sharp, pointed object would require a bit of prying and such to remove the organ.
I propose that we change our saying to reflect the physics involve with the word “put” and “in”. It should go something like this; “Hey, (insert offender’s name here), be careful with that stick or you could “push” someone’s eye “in”! Or you could say; “Hey (once again the offender’s name here), slowdown with that spoon or you could scoop someone’s eye out!” Let’s say what we mean and mean what we say.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Dear Abby
As Americans, we all too often tend to stereotype people. As soon as someone sees spinners on a car, they tend to think “gangster-want-to-be” instead of “honor student”. We see someone on a movie with thick taped glasses and instantly assume he is a “nerd”. Others will look at race and color to get their predetermined ideas of how someone should act. I am just as guilty as the next guy for stereotyping people and not giving them the benefit of interaction to show their “true self.” I do not know what the proper answer is to this problem but I do have my own thoughts about the whole thing. As a man of limited intellect who is trying to keep it simple, I say this; “If you don’t want the public to judge you on your appearance, then let your actions shine as your judgment.”
I was reading Dear Abby today and was floored when I read the following article:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married four years ago. My oldest daughter dates my husband's brother and they're expecting a baby together, although they are not married.
Can you please tell me what this child should call me, my husband and our other children? We're confused about it and don't want the child to be confused about who's who. Any help you can offer on this will be greatly appreciated. -- TAMI IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TAMI: You are the baby's biological grandmother, and your husband is the baby's biological uncle and step-grandfather. Your children are going to be aunts or uncles. Congratulations to all of you.
Well, for starters, I can’t believe that Abby, who is usually an adviser with strong morals, didn’t lay into the woman for the OBVIOUS; YOUR DAUGHTER IS HAVING A BABY WITH YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW!!!!! What the hell people?? I immediately, as wrong as it may seem, envisioned two trailers side by side in a rural Alabama trailer park with both women on food stamps waiting for their government checks. Am I the only one here to stereotype this family? For the rest of you reading who aren’t sure whether this is really an issue, listen closely; This is NOT acceptable behavior by the mother, step-father, brother-in-law, or the daughter. We are not living in a time where God has asked us to replenish the Earth. Some things and people are off-limits. There are boundaries that should never be broken down and rules to follow that do not need to be changed!
What do you think this child is going to endure during school? How hard do you think dating will be for this child? Peer pressure is already enormous and this could easily push a child to his/her breaking point.
For some unknown reason, Abby has decided to spare this woman from any further guilt. So I have prepared the proper response.
Dear Tami: It appears that sadly your daughter’s baby will not have a mother, grandmother, grandfather or father, as those are titles reserved for people with common sense, people that give a damn about what their children and other family members are doing. Because of your failure to institute any morals into your daughter, this child will more than likely live with more shame than that of a “bastard child” referred to in the Bible. Congratulations on screwing up your family! I hope that you will seek counseling for the other children involved, as they appear to be the only innocent ones in this One-Family-Circus. Maybe you will be lucky and the state will step in and remove your other children so they will have the chance to live a normal life instead of the confusing, shameful, environment that you have provided. The only other option I see for your family is to move to the Deep South where some small towns condone and accept these horrendous acts as “normal”.
I was reading Dear Abby today and was floored when I read the following article:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married four years ago. My oldest daughter dates my husband's brother and they're expecting a baby together, although they are not married.
Can you please tell me what this child should call me, my husband and our other children? We're confused about it and don't want the child to be confused about who's who. Any help you can offer on this will be greatly appreciated. -- TAMI IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TAMI: You are the baby's biological grandmother, and your husband is the baby's biological uncle and step-grandfather. Your children are going to be aunts or uncles. Congratulations to all of you.
Well, for starters, I can’t believe that Abby, who is usually an adviser with strong morals, didn’t lay into the woman for the OBVIOUS; YOUR DAUGHTER IS HAVING A BABY WITH YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW!!!!! What the hell people?? I immediately, as wrong as it may seem, envisioned two trailers side by side in a rural Alabama trailer park with both women on food stamps waiting for their government checks. Am I the only one here to stereotype this family? For the rest of you reading who aren’t sure whether this is really an issue, listen closely; This is NOT acceptable behavior by the mother, step-father, brother-in-law, or the daughter. We are not living in a time where God has asked us to replenish the Earth. Some things and people are off-limits. There are boundaries that should never be broken down and rules to follow that do not need to be changed!
What do you think this child is going to endure during school? How hard do you think dating will be for this child? Peer pressure is already enormous and this could easily push a child to his/her breaking point.
For some unknown reason, Abby has decided to spare this woman from any further guilt. So I have prepared the proper response.
Dear Tami: It appears that sadly your daughter’s baby will not have a mother, grandmother, grandfather or father, as those are titles reserved for people with common sense, people that give a damn about what their children and other family members are doing. Because of your failure to institute any morals into your daughter, this child will more than likely live with more shame than that of a “bastard child” referred to in the Bible. Congratulations on screwing up your family! I hope that you will seek counseling for the other children involved, as they appear to be the only innocent ones in this One-Family-Circus. Maybe you will be lucky and the state will step in and remove your other children so they will have the chance to live a normal life instead of the confusing, shameful, environment that you have provided. The only other option I see for your family is to move to the Deep South where some small towns condone and accept these horrendous acts as “normal”.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Five Feet Under
A friend and I were recently discussing what the “perfect” occupation would be for a man’s potential mate. After much deliberation, I believe that dating a mortician would have to rank near the top of the charts. Here are a few reasons why.
1. Your family will never have to pay someone to do their make-up on special occasions. Who could be better suited to “make-up” the family women before those school dances and family photos? This is, after all, a person who is trained to make even the dead look “alive”.
2. I’m not sure exactly how they prepare a body, as I have never been back there to see, but I’m sure it can’t be that different from taxidermy. This being said, if you are a hunter or fisherman, you have a lifetime supply of “freebies” to get your outdoor trophies mounted. If taxidermy isn’t in the realm of her expertise, at least she can make your trophy deer look “as peaceful as if it was sleeping” next to the fireplace.
3. There really is nothing you can do that will “gross out” your mortician-mate. If the bathroom stinks….so what? It isn’t like she doesn’t smell the odor of death throughout the day. I’m pretty sure that you could even forget to flush and she wouldn’t give it a second thought. ( I hear that you soil yourself when you die)
4. Look at the money your family could save during their “time of loss.” Funerals are very expensive, and I can’t think of a better time to get a “brother-in-law” deal.
5. How about those minor emergency room bills you will save on? Having your very own “master of the needle and thread” around for those minor cuts and scrapes, can really help. You can keep that extra money in your pocket book, instead of giving it to overpriced hospitals.
6. When you call her at work, you won’t have to deal with all of the drama of her holding an office job. That’s right; those corpses don’t care if she gets back from lunch a few minutes late. There are no workers to interrupt her while she is on the phone with you. You don’t get the background noise of an office full of women while you are talking on the phone to her. Nothing but peace and quiet.
7. She can help you prepare the bar-b-q pit for the Labor Day festivities. She is after all, trained to cremate people. That’s about as hot a fire as you’ll ever need for a few steaks and chicken.
8. And finally, size won’t matter. I mean, at this job, you will have seen all types of people and probably realize that only models and playboys have six pack abs. It’s just not normal for people to have 2% body fat.
I definitely see all of these as plusses and can’t even think of one single minus. Maybe they are right when the say that “all the good ones are taken.” Little did I know that “the good ones” were stuffing people for a living.
1. Your family will never have to pay someone to do their make-up on special occasions. Who could be better suited to “make-up” the family women before those school dances and family photos? This is, after all, a person who is trained to make even the dead look “alive”.
2. I’m not sure exactly how they prepare a body, as I have never been back there to see, but I’m sure it can’t be that different from taxidermy. This being said, if you are a hunter or fisherman, you have a lifetime supply of “freebies” to get your outdoor trophies mounted. If taxidermy isn’t in the realm of her expertise, at least she can make your trophy deer look “as peaceful as if it was sleeping” next to the fireplace.
3. There really is nothing you can do that will “gross out” your mortician-mate. If the bathroom stinks….so what? It isn’t like she doesn’t smell the odor of death throughout the day. I’m pretty sure that you could even forget to flush and she wouldn’t give it a second thought. ( I hear that you soil yourself when you die)
4. Look at the money your family could save during their “time of loss.” Funerals are very expensive, and I can’t think of a better time to get a “brother-in-law” deal.
5. How about those minor emergency room bills you will save on? Having your very own “master of the needle and thread” around for those minor cuts and scrapes, can really help. You can keep that extra money in your pocket book, instead of giving it to overpriced hospitals.
6. When you call her at work, you won’t have to deal with all of the drama of her holding an office job. That’s right; those corpses don’t care if she gets back from lunch a few minutes late. There are no workers to interrupt her while she is on the phone with you. You don’t get the background noise of an office full of women while you are talking on the phone to her. Nothing but peace and quiet.
7. She can help you prepare the bar-b-q pit for the Labor Day festivities. She is after all, trained to cremate people. That’s about as hot a fire as you’ll ever need for a few steaks and chicken.
8. And finally, size won’t matter. I mean, at this job, you will have seen all types of people and probably realize that only models and playboys have six pack abs. It’s just not normal for people to have 2% body fat.
I definitely see all of these as plusses and can’t even think of one single minus. Maybe they are right when the say that “all the good ones are taken.” Little did I know that “the good ones” were stuffing people for a living.
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