Five Feet Under

   A friend and I were recently discussing what the “perfect” occupation would be for a man’s potential mate. After much deliberation, I believe that dating a mortician would have to rank near the top of the charts. Here are a few reasons why.


1. Your family will never have to pay someone to do their make-up on special occasions. Who could be better suited to “make-up” the family women before those school dances and family photos? This is, after all, a person who is trained to make even the dead look “alive”.

2. I’m not sure exactly how they prepare a body, as I have never been back there to see, but I’m sure it can’t be that different from taxidermy. This being said, if you are a hunter or fisherman, you have a lifetime supply of “freebies” to get your outdoor trophies mounted. If taxidermy isn’t in the realm of her expertise, at least she can make your trophy deer look “as peaceful as if it was sleeping” next to the fireplace.

3. There really is nothing you can do that will “gross out” your mortician-mate. If the bathroom stinks….so what? It isn’t like she doesn’t smell the odor of death throughout the day. I’m pretty sure that you could even forget to flush and she wouldn’t give it a second thought. ( I hear that you soil yourself when you die)

4. Look at the money your family could save during their “time of loss.” Funerals are very expensive, and I can’t think of a better time to get a “brother-in-law” deal.

5. How about those minor emergency room bills you will save on? Having your very own “master of the needle and thread” around for those minor cuts and scrapes, can really help. You can keep that extra money in your pocket book, instead of giving it to overpriced hospitals.

6. When you call her at work, you won’t have to deal with all of the drama of her holding an office job. That’s right; those corpses don’t care if she gets back from lunch a few minutes late. There are no workers to interrupt her while she is on the phone with you. You don’t get the background noise of an office full of women while you are talking on the phone to her. Nothing but peace and quiet.

7. She can help you prepare the bar-b-q pit for the Labor Day festivities. She is after all, trained to cremate people. That’s about as hot a fire as you’ll ever need for a few steaks and chicken.

8. And finally, size won’t matter. I mean, at this job, you will have seen all types of people and probably realize that only models and playboys have six pack abs. It’s just not normal for people to have 2% body fat.

   I definitely see all of these as plusses and can’t even think of one single minus. Maybe they are right when the say that “all the good ones are taken.” Little did I know that “the good ones” were stuffing people for a living.