Celebrity Reality

As I read about the turmoil and circus-like environment surrounding Tiger Woods this week, I had to ask myself; “What planet is this guy living on? For that matter, what planet are any of these tabloid-filling celebrities living on?” Then it hit me, these people were not raised the same way as you and I. We need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they don’t know right from wrong as the rest of “normality” has been taught. They see the world with no consequences, a world that bends to their needs and wants, a world far from our reality. With this in mind, I felt compelled to offer my experiences in life, good and bad, to our celebrity-elite. The “baker’s dozen” guest list is as follows;


1. David Hasselhoff

2. Lindsey Lohan

3. Mel Gibson

4. Mike Tyson

5. Tiger Woods

6. Joaquin Phoenix

7. Robert Downey Jr.

8. Amy Winehouse

9. John Daily

10. Gary Busey

11. Brittany Spears

12. Latoya Jackson

13. Joe Jackson

I composed the following letter to send out to those I felt could best use my help.

Dear (insert troubled celebs name here)

Due to your recent shortcomings in the thought process of daily life, I would like to take a moment of your time and offer my services. I, as well as most of America, can see that you need assistance in making day to day, trivial decisions. I am not talking about giving you the kind of help that an agent offers, but more on the lines of a “life coach.” Someone to “state the obvious to you" as you clearly do not have the people surrounding you that are capable of performing this task. Please do not take this as an insult; it is more of a “constructive criticism”. I feel that you have been cheated and deprived by your managing staff of someone to assist you in your life as they watch it spiral out of control. Certainly you must agree that your “rational” thought process has been skewed and needs to be re-aligned with the normality that we all search for. All great men had someone to look to for guidance. No man is an island. I am not going to give you the guidance that your friends have as that is biased at best. I will give you what you lack; a steady, true, moral compass to steer you in the right direction of life. Men of your status have little or no interaction with “middle class America”, so they sometimes do not know what is acceptable and inadvertently make poor decisions. I am willing to be your “life coach” and help you through your troubles and lack of decision making skills. I am sure that you do not want to swim in your undoings and I believe that you can right your wrongs. Remember the saying that we must learn from our past or we are destined to repeat it. Feel free to contact me as I will be eagerly awaiting the opportunity to guide you to a realistic, normal life.

I think I’ll start at the top of my list of candidates tonight. I’m sure I can’t screw their lives up anymore than they already have.